Welcome to the Wonder and the Weeds show where we spend a little bit of time sharing and examining how to live, love, thrive, and have a good life in spite of the change and grief that comes along with it. Today, I want to talk about a topic that has been heavily on my mind: my experience with the empty nesting part.

The Warning I Could Not Prepare For

This whole conversation started because I saw a post from an old blogging colleague of mine. She has a big beautiful family, and her kids, like mine, are getting older and going off to college. She made a comment about how you spend your whole life raising these kids, and then they leave and you have to re-examine your life. First I thought that was not true, because everybody warned me about it through my kids’ high school years. But I realized it is not that no one warns you; it is that you simply cannot prepare yourself out of the discomfort entirely.

My empty nest experience feels a little bit supercharged because we moved so far away from my kids’ home. Over the last couple of weeks, both of my college kids were home here in Minnesota for their spring breaks. Spending that time with them was a stark reminder of how this time together is fleeting. They are now fully grown adults with autonomous lives away from me. What you truly cannot prepare for is how much you are going to miss them as a person in your life. They are funny, they make me laugh, and I want to hang out with them now more than I ever did when they were little.

The Shrinking Mental Load

When the kids move out, that day-to-day mental load of parenting is drastically reduced. You are no longer navigating four different schedules and four different tastes and activities. I felt this rustiness recently when I took my two girls to the gym. I was anxious about getting my daughter a guest pass and making it to a very strict reformer class on time. I got a little frantic and ended up dropping my keys into a back pocket that doesn’t close, and they fell into a snowbank without us hearing them. That muscle that is used to tracking 15 different things at a time is out of practice because my children do not live with me anymore.

What is the Point of Me Now?

With the kids grown and out of the house, I jokingly say to my family sometimes: what is even the point of me now? When you are no longer in charge of the day-to-day running of a household that includes people that are dependent on you, you almost have to re-examine your purpose. The focus shifts to how I take care of me and how I show up in the world now. I have a lot more time now to think about what I want. The good news is that your purpose does not necessarily have to be mind-blowing or earth-shattering.

Meeting My 16-Year-Old Self

I recently saw a quote online that basically said your 50s is like meeting your 16-year-old self again, except this time you really love her. As a woman of a certain age, you just really start to love what you are able to do and the voice that you have. Taking that spirit into my purpose going forward has meant making a few intentional changes:

• Playing Sports for Fun: I have tried to take up golf and signed up for two women’s leagues. I also joined a pickleball league. There is something really nice about playing a sport and getting better at a sport around supportive women.
• Logging Off: I noticed that spending an exorbitant amount of time on my phone was sucking the life out of me and bringing the temptation to compare myself to everybody else. I knew I had to get off the phone and physically go to a place to meet people in the real world.
• Giving Myself Grace: I am continually examining my expectations for where I should be and what I should be doing. Sometimes giving myself grace looks like setting the expectation for today to just do a load of laundry and change out of my sweatpants. It no longer feels selfish to take care of myself.

The Wonder of Women’s Sports

The weeds of the world are not light, so I am always looking for moments of wonder to combat everything else that is going on. For me, I am going to take a few minutes and talk about the wonder of women’s sports. Growing up, my oldest sister got me into high school softball as a pitcher and was an early supporter who hammered away at women’s basketball.

Recently, I got tickets to the first round of the women’s NCAA tournament and was able to take both of my daughters to the games in Minnesota. Sitting in that sold out arena made me cry three times because all I could think about was my sister. I thought about what she would think of this place being sold out and so loud for almost the entirety of the game. To be in that space and to take my girls to see women so celebrated was the best. It doesn’t get much more wonder than that.

To all my other empty nesters out there, I am raising my coffee mug in solidarity with you. Let’s find our purpose and love our 16-year-old selves the way we couldn’t at 16. Keep looking for the wonder.

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